Royai Crack
by Isee
Summary: This is pure crack for whatever random mood I’m in when I’m supposed to be writing a 4 page paper due in less than 12 hours. Joy. Will most likely all be Royai.
1. Script

_This is not actually a script, so it's legal. Pure crack: How to apologize to a woman. Parody of Roy and his womanizing ways. It actually incorporates other FMA characters (points excitedly) and there's a plot (is amazed). I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._

**Script**

So, one way or another, Roy and Riza started dating and everything was going peachy keen. Then they had a fight.

What they fought about or how it came about isn't important. What is important was that Roy's reaction to the fight was to go out on a date with another woman.

And you can imagine what happened next (no, not that):

"Hey Lieutenant, I'm really sorry about what happened," said Havoc or some other unsuspecting character.

"What happened?"

"Umm—Roy went out on a date with another woman?" Havoc or other character will stupidly say.

"He _what!_" Riza will say. "That is _it_! I've had _enough_!" Instead of pulling her gun out though, she will merely stomp out the door.

* * *

Later:

"Hey Colonel, I'm sorry about what happened," Havoc the clueless messenger of bad news will say.

"What happened?"

"Umm, Lieutenant Hawkeye requested a transfer?"

Several things will rush through the Colonel's head: "Riza's _leaving_ me? How can she _leave_ me? Doesn't she know I _need_ her? Doesn't she need _me_? No? Well I don't need her either!

"She can't request a transfer!" he'll say. "I'm transferring her!"

"Well that's a mature reaction on your part," Breda will say.

"_Me?_ What about _her?_ She's the one who started this whole transfer business."

"Well technically her reaction was appropriate considering your action, i.e. cheating on her by going out with another woman. Your reaction, i.e. rushing to transfer her before she can submit her transfer, is actually quite childish," Falmon will say. And then everyone will pause and consider the astute logic of his statement.

"Hey, Colonel Shit!" Ed will yell, bounding into the room. "I told Winry all about what you did to Lieutenant Hawkeye, and at first she wanted to whack you with her wrench, but then she calmed down and wrote a script for you."

"A script?" Roy will ask.

"A script" Ed will repeat, and shove a piece of paper into Roy's face.

"Riza," Roy will read, "I am so, so sorry. I was hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you too. But I went too far. I'm a bastard. I'm a stupid, stupid bastard who wasn't thinking. Please forgive me Riza, you're the only woman I could ever be with. I love you."

"Oooo that's so sweet!" Armstrong will say, brimming with tears; shirt magically off and pink sparkles magically sparkling in the background.

Roy, ignoring Armstrong's appearance, will say: "I am _not_ reading that."

"You just did," Ed will point out with an evil grin.

"Well I'm not reading that to Riza. I'll just find some other way to make it up to her," Roy will say, crumpling up the script and tossing it behind him, hitting Breda in the head.

"Ow," Breda will say.

And off Roy will go, to search for Riza.

"I wonder if anyone should remind him that she has a gun," Havoc will comment.

* * *

Now, Fury and Al, by virtue of not being in the previous scene, will be comforting Riza as she cries.

"Why doesn't he _loooooooove_ me? Why did he _cheeeeeeeeat_ on me? I _haaaaaaate_ him," Riza will uncharacteristically elongate her vowels. Well, actually she does do that when she's upset. Like when it took her three pages to call Lust a bitch.

"There, there," Al will say in his sweet, charming, little boy voice. Everything will be alright.

"That's right," Fury will say, from where he is sitting with Black Hayate. Because Fury is ranked even with Al in being naïve and sweet, and is always with Black Hayate. "I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it."

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" Riza will cry at the reminder of Roy's infidelity. Fury will tear up at his mistake and Al will magically manage to frown, even though he is a suit of armor.

Roy comes up: "Will you two excuse us?" (Fury and Alphonse leave) "Riza, let me explain."

"No."

"Please, let me talk to you."

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

This might go on for awhile. Let's skip ahead.

* * *

"Riza, I am so, so sorry."

In the background, the entire cast of Fullmetal Alchemist is hidden in a clump of bushes, Inuyasha style.

"Hey Winry, isn't he reading your script?" Ed will say.

"Shh!" Winry will say.

"I was hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you too. But I went too far. I'm a bastard, Riza," and here Roy will kneel and touch the sobbing Riza's shoulder, "I'm a stupid, stupid bastard who wasn't thinking at all. Please forgive me Riza, you're the only woman I could ever be with. I love you."

Riza hiccoughs, then says, "Okay."

"You bastard!" Ed will call out from the bushes. "You just read from Winry's script."

"What script?" Roy will ask.

"_What script?_" Riza will demand.

"Well technically, he did not read from the script, as he did not have the script with him. Furthermore, he added words like 'Riza' and 'at all' to the original script."

Everyone stares at Falmon, who bites into a cookie.

"Oh well, as long as he doesn't do it again," Riza says, pulling out her gun and pointing it at Roy. "Or else I'll _kill_ you."

And the story ends with Riza slightly back in character, which is all that really matters.


	2. Code

_My series of things-written-when-I-should-have-been-doing-something-else continues. I honestly don't know where this came from. The rating was changed for this. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._

**Code**

Sometime after Roy and Riza had been married awhile, Riza happened upon him working on an alchemic equation. Glancing over the notes in his little black book, she couldn't help but grimace. She knew it was all a code, but that didn't mean she liked reading it. She suggested to Roy tactfully that now that he was married, he might want a new code, one that wouldn't make people who somehow came upon his notes think that he periodically cheated on his wife.

Roy had nodded thoughtfully. He saw what Riza was saying. But he was also so used to his code: every element was the name of a girl, isotopes of the same element had different last names, various ways of manipulating elements were coded as forms of courtship. It had all been painstakingly developed. It would be a bother to come up with a new one. He didn't have much else to base his code on. He didn't know anything about cooking, and he didn't travel like Fullmetal. Nor could he recount the details of his family tree (1). He asked himself: what was something he knew about, that other people wouldn't be suspicious of him knowing about? Then he had grinned.

A few weeks later, Riza opened up her husband's little black book. She was supposed to be retrieving a list of locations where Roy knew he obtain get obscure alchemic ingredients. Instead, her eye fell upon a new alchemic equation. Her eyes widened.

"Roy, what is this?" Riza held the equation up to Roy's face.

Roy blinked, and skimmed over the passage.

"It's a method for reducing the effect of flames on objects surrounding the target, mainly by containing the oxygen and surrounding the object with a layer of non-combustible gases—"

"I know what the equation is for. I mean – what is this code?"

"Well – at least no one will think I'm cheating on you."

Riza sighed and started flipping through his book irritably.

"I thought there were only 64 positions. There are more than a hundred elements. How are—"

"Well, I don't work with all the elements. Besides, there's oral, and foreplay, and—"

"And apparently the noble gasses are the different stages of my PMS?" Riza demanded while examining a new page.

"How perceptive you are."

"Roy, this reads like pornography. I can't believe anyone would believe your sex life is this active, or explicit."

"Really?" Roy asked, raising his eyebrows. Riza ignored him. She continued to page through the book, trying to reconcile herself with its new code. She stopped.

Shoving the book up to her husband's face again, she hissed:

"This is not an alchemic equation."

Reading over the page, Roy grinned.

"But I have such fond memories of that night."

Riza picked up a pen and scribbled something in his book, then handed it back to him. Roy read: My wife won't sleep with me anymore because I recorded our activities in this book.

"Try coming up for an alchemic equation for that."

* * *

_(1) A reference to Armstrong, and pure speculation on how he codes his notes. In chapter 10 we learn that Tim Marcoh's notes are coded as cooking recipes, and Ed's are coded as a travelogue. This is also the chapter where I learned how Roy coded his notes (originally)._


End file.
